Modern Times

I had a week and a half off from work and it was glorious. That being said, I really needed an extra week to complete everything I wanted to do. One of those goals was to write five posts on this blog (this being the fifth), pulling together last year and setting my sights on this one. When it came to my goals for this year, I only wanted to add activities that I currently don’t perform, but that supplement the ideas that came out of 2009. Additionally, I didn’t want to feel like I was spinning my wheels with so many ideas. I think most (if not all) of last year’s goals were good ideas, but they were so tiring that I couldn’t appreciate the things I’d achieved.

With that in mind, I set seven goals for myself. I’ve got my own milestones for these goals, but here’s an overview of what I’d like to achieve in 2010:

1. Start a new educational path: After pulling my curiosities into a coherent idea last year, I want to follow through on my daydreaming. Specifically, I’ll be looking into programs at George Mason: a course in Artificial Intelligence and possibly a Masters in Human Factors & Applied Cognition (MA in Psychology). The latter requires more research to determine whether it’s worth the cost, financially and as a time commitment.
2. Align my work with my educational interests: I’m really interested in how the brain works and the internet’s knowledge sharing capabilities. If I’m going to commit myself to further education on the subject, then I also need to gain practical experience in these areas. Part of this year will be spent determining how I would best be served in meeting that goal. I may even find early on that I’m not as interested as I believed in this line of work, but I’ll cross that bridge if I get there.
3. Figure out why I like the music I like: Part of this is a writing goal, another part a goal of compilation. Of the many genres and artists I have in my music collection, I want to see how it all fits together. Beyond that, I want to expand on my ability to transcribe and play the music I love. More than likely, I’ll post mixtapes of my favorite artists on here with a write-up on what moves me about the music (either abstractly or technically). Other goals won’t be as visible til they’re complete, but I like not showing what I’ve got til it’s done.
4. Flesh out the sounds I like: Knowing what I love to hear, I’m interested in putting those ideas into my hands (again, making something practical out of  my daydreaming). I’ll be looking some new gear to flesh out the sounds I’m interested, specifically instruments and other gear that can supplement the music I’ve been writing the past few years. Taking us to…
5. Make a musical career out of my music: I feel like somehow this goal has got pushed back the past few years, but I think bigger things kept intervening. I’ve got 50 to 100 songs collecting dust right now, waiting to be performed and recorded. All things considered, I think this will be the biggest leap for me, but there have been a lot of sidesteps the past few years leading up to now: writing music, playing with other bands, loading up on new sounds. I really need to do something with this and stop letting it sit in the background.
6. Health and wealth: I started getting healthier habits last year, but ran out of time on the year. I got to the point where I was doing 200 pushups and 200 situps 3-4 times a week, but was unable to pull the 2 miles jogging into the mix. Ideally, I’d like to wake up and the morning to exercise and get myself in an earlier sleep schedule, but I know at this point that I should add one piece at a time. Eating healthier would also be preferable, but that will probably follow the previous two goals. Financially, I believe that as long as I retain steady employment I should be in good shape, but all of the other goals need to be financed somehow.
7. Odds and Ends: I want to start using the blog for its intended purpose: fleshing out memories, weaving the different strands together. Additionally, move full force into watching the NY Times Top 1000 (set to finish in a few years) and take care of some other housekeeping/organizational activities.

Those things should be enough to keep me busy this year, outside of my regular routine. I fear I’ll tire easily from it (as last year), but I’m hoping some healthier choices will give me enough energy to see things through. And even if I don’t, I’ve still got a life to keep up with; strengthening my relationships, bonding new ones, and making my best effort at whatever each day may bring. 2010 is go.

When I was in elementary school, I became a member of the Cub Scouts. Our pack met at my elementary school from time to time, including in the art room on the occasion of this opening story. Through some swing of circumstance, I broke a small vanity mirror that was hanging in the classroom. After doing so, I was terrified of my punishment. The art teacher was a man named Mr. Modler, who I remember being very well built and, as far as my elementary school taught mind could comprehend, was probably 9 feet tall.

That part is incidental, but I think it needs clarification. I wasn’t literally thinking that Mr. Modler was 9 feet tall; I was thinking that in an environment of adults that already seem much larger than me, this man seemed much larger than them. Not so much in physical height but in stature; he seemed built. The name Mr. Modler seemed apt, again not that I would have known what “apt” meant at my age. All the same, the night after this happened I knew I would have to face him in art class the next day. I could not sleep from the prospect.

But I did sleep. The next day we met, but he didn’t really seem to care that I’d broken his mirror. I didn’t destroy his family or burn down his car; it was an inch by inch vanity mirror and I was a child. All that terror built up inside me for no reason. I bring this up because I cannot recount how many times this scenario has played itself out emotionally; where I’ve been gripped in fear thinking not about harm I’ve caused, but the potential of harm I could perform. My earliest method for coping with this fear was to disappear myself into the scenery. Visually I’d wear plain clothes, conversationally I’d keep up with popular culture well enough that references wouldn’t get past my guard. I tried to create a space in conversation where others felt that they could say whatever they wanted; that they could be whoever they wanted, as I wanted to.

I had a hope that if I could sat back and observed my scenery, I could use my wits to overcome the uncertainty of social interactions. If I could understand others thoughts, then I could act in such a way that others would work with me and like me. If I did nothing to hurt them and stayed out of other people’s business, then ideally I could co-exist peacefully with others. But there’s no way to be both in a situation and above it, nor could I gain wisdom by staying above the fray; instead I neglected my needs by attending to others. And while the service of others is a noble pursuit, it is not worth the destruction of one’s self.

I bring these things up not to focus on my dirty laundry, but to show how an emotional framework that is appropriate for one age can be unreasonable for another. Earlier in life, I retained focus by setting goals, believing that if I worked hard enough I could prove myself worthy of others respect and love. At the time, this was a net positive because it was an act of faith, a way to move from isolation to communion. But this belief brought unfair emotional consequences when others did not hold their end of the bargain (one that, to be fair, they never even entered into). If I work hard for something, it does not imply that the something I’m working towards is obligated to provide me anything.

In short, coming into this year, it seemed like a good idea to have 40 to 50 goals; and in a way, it was. It made me realize that I have some very specific desires that I should focus on. More importantly, it made me realize that the pursuit of those goals is not an appropriate way to determine my self worth. For 2010, I’ll base my self worth on my ability to watch all of Battlestar Galactica in two weeks (dunzo. 2010′s already in the bag!).

I have unfinished goals from the past year, but I’ve got the rest of my life to work on them. I’m ready to travel, work myself into healthier habits, get a little smarter… all of that is why I’m optimistic. I’ve got a clearer mind, some unfinished business, and a better sense of direction. As much as I cursed the year at times, hopefully 2010 will be as challenging and rewarding as 2009. I made some other goals for the coming year and will probably post them, but I already feel like my writing’s getting too heavy for my liking.

In that spirit, ladies and gentlemen, may I present Andy Roddick and some koala love:

If 2008 was a year of digging myself out of a ditch at work, 2009 was a year of figuring out how to proceed on solid ground. I’ve worked as an Information Assurance engineer since I left JMU (two years, three months, and counting). When I started in the fall of 2007, I had to go on part-time medical leave for a month or two. However since I had just started in my position, I quickly fell behind my peers in skill and capability. After meeting with different levels of managers, I was given the choice to shape up or ship out. 2008 was spent digging out of that position.

Entering 2009, I was involved in a project that had me working late shifts and weekends. I worked in a very stressful (though temporary) situation and served as a single point of failure for a project. Thankfully, that work was more or less done by April and my responsibilites had begun to grow in other areas. I became the technical lead for a few small projects and served as a point-of-contact for support on a number of others. From June through August, I studied for the CISSP exam and, in late August, passed it on my first try. Once I accumulate four years of experience, I’ll be able to claim the full designation, but for now I am officially an Associate of ISC2. In the past month, I received a few small awards in recognition of my work throughout the year and I finally feel like I know how to perform well in my position. I need to become more forceful with my work and improve my communication skills, but I feel proud of my work this year. Happy with the work I’ve done though I know I can do better.

All that being said, I’m not sure that this is what I want to do with my career. One of the goals on my laundry list for the year was to figure out where my interests lie regarding my career. I had bits and pieces figured out, but I was having trouble putting it into words. So I started spitballing ideas into a Word document and, after about a month of emptying out my brain, weaved the pieces into something coherent. And although it’s just an idea at this point, I’m thankful that I have a better idea of what I want to do.

Basically, I want to create a method for organizing the internet. Ontologies represent content and how it relates to other pieces of content. So, if we can take a webpage’s content and break it down into its composite ontologies (by taking the text and breaking down what it means), then we can begin piecing together the information on the internet. This process is obviously easier said than done, but it’s a big enough problem and interesting enough that I’d like to make it a focus of my career.

Since my current work isn’t related to this field of study, I’ve been trying to figure out how I can bridge the gap between my current line of work and my desired career. From there I started thinking about the human brain, figuring that if the brain’s information processing activities can be mimicked, then I could piggyback off its logic (and I wouldn’t have to re-invent the wheel). Through my last roommate Mike, I met a girl named Wendy who is involved with the Neuroscience program at George Mason. She was kind enough to set up a meeting for me with her advisor, who provided me with an overview of GMU’s Neuroscience degrees: MA in Neuroscience (more biologically based) and an MA in Human Factors & Applied Cognition (both are psychology degrees).

I’m currently in the process of determining whether getting a Masters in the latter program would help with the problem I’m interested in. Additionally, I’m trying to figure out what jobs or companies are currently involved in this research to determine what I can do to get hands-on experience. This whole thing is a bit of a pipe dream, but I’m hoping I can turn my curiosities into something useful. In the meanwhile, I’ll keep trying to get better in my current line of work.

I’m interested in how the brain works, but I’m also interested in how we can determine “good” information and, if that’s possible, how we can make “good” decisions. Even if it couldn’t be used for all decisions, it appears that having a common body of knowledge (that is open for debate and improvement) could at least supplement our decision-making process. But what do we do when we don’t have good knowledge? And even if we have good knowledge, what do we do when we don’t make good decisions? What happens when we don’t know what we’re doing? Beyond whatever shape my career takes, those are the questions that move my mind right now.

I want a better brain. Or I’m at least interested in how that happens. I want better knowledge, I want to make better decisions, and I want to be more mentally nimble. The first two items are better covered in a later post, but several of my goals for this year had to do with problem and puzzle solving. I’ve worked with Amy Shotwell on a site called WeffRiddles and headed into DC with her for the Washington Post’s Post Hunt (riddles on a city wide level for a day). I’ve always felt like I’m bad with words, so I’ve started doing crossword puzzles to stimulate that part of my brain. I’m to the point where I can solve the USA Today’s daily puzzles without guidance (http://puzzles.usatoday.com) and I’m training myself to get better at the NY Times’ puzzles (available online as well). For good measure, I also do some sudoku through www.websudoku.com (on the Evil setting). Keeping nimble doesn’t help me understand the unknowable, but it does help me consider different ways to think about it.

Outside of doing puzzles in my alone time, I’ve kept up with my habit of watching old movies. For at least the past five years, I’ve watched different lists of “great movies”, though I’d never really questioned why I was doing it. On a basic level, I think I never wanted to be on the wrong side of hearing “I can’t believe you’ve never seen [movie X]!” In order, here are the lists I’ve watched in that time in the order I watched them:

• AFI’s 100 Years, 100 Movies: here
• IMDB Top 250: here
• AFI’s 10 Year Anniversary: 100 Years, 100 Movies: here
• Roger Ebert’s Great Movies (finished in 2009): here
• Oscar Winners (finished in 2009): here
• All-Time 100 Movies (finished in 2009): here

Crossover between lists has really helped when it came to watching other old movies, but it’s beginning to feel like enough is enough. At some point, I have to accept that I cannot see or know everything; the best I can do is learn what I enjoy watching and hope that I can match those patterns to new movies and new experiences . So, I’m making one last go with movie lists hoping that what I’ve seen so far will give my curiosity proper guidance.

I’ve decided to start watching the NY Times’ Best 1000 Movies Ever Made (that’s a one with three zeroes). Thankfully, a web site has popped up to track these movies called ICheckMovies (my list can be found here <link>).I’ve seen 438 of the 1002 movies as of this writing. Each list has its own quirks (the NY Times list not excluded) but one of the bigger problems with this list has to do with movies that are out of print. This problem exists with other lists, but it’s amplified with this one because of its size.

At this point in time it’s easier than ever to watch old movies thanks to Netflix (470~ movies in queue from the list) and reselling sites (like EBay, Half.com, and Amazon). But even with those sites in place, there are about 10-15 movies that aren’t available for sale through the aforementioned distribution channels. I’ve secured all but one of the other movies through other means (in no particular order): emailed a guy through the IMDB forums for a DVD-R recording; found a RapidShare site that had a movie split into 8 chunks; found a re-seller who specializes in old movies and pornography (bought one of the former, none of the latter); found a Portuguese website that listed an eDonkey share; found a movie through BitTorrent. I’ve waited four weeks so far for one movie to complete downloading because it is being transmitted at slower than old modem speeds (less that 4KB a second) in irregular intervals.

While I can recognize how far we’ve come in making movies available for weirdos like myself, it seems like there’s a major opportunity being missed when it comes to this market. I would gladly buy or rent these movies if they were available, but I cannot because they don’t exist in this medium (or any other one for that matter). It reminds me of the beginning of the decade, when P2P clients were the only way to find new music online. For years, instead of supporting the creation of a distribution mechanism for online music, the RIAA sued those who tried to get access. Thankfully iTunes broke through that problem and there are now many legal means for purchasing music online, but this issue is still playing itself out with movies.

On the rental side, Netflix is beginning to meet that void. Over 100 of the 470 movies in my queue are set up for immediate streaming and, thanks to my new Blu-Ray player (thanks Santa!), I can watch those movies on demand. Other hardware components are beginning to meet the niche between computers and home entertainment systems, but it’s not what it could be. There’s still no way to play a ripped DVD through a streaming device (at least for the devices that I own) nor is there a single file that can store a ripped DVD (though Matroska performs similar functions). We’re still in the wilderness when it comes to getting movies/TV shows through the internet into a home entertainment systems, but it’s progressing a little bit at a time.

It’s hard to keep up with the cutting edge of technology, but it’s kind of fun to try. I’ve now got a networked hard drive/SAN device, along with backups for each data source (CD/DVD backup, laptop backup routine, RAID setup). I’ve tried to network my data so I can make it available from anywhere (my cell phone, another computer, etc.) though I’d say that’s more of a work in progress. Even though my information exists in different locations, my ability to access it has changed (and accordingly, so have my capabilities). The things that I would’ve previously done by myself (out of the eyes of God and everyone) are now literally attached to something bigger. The internet (and its interested parties) are growing another way for loners and everyone else to engage the world outside of their homes and heads. Once the technical limitations have been addressed, it will again be a matter of courage for people to plug in. And while there is risk involved, I feel optimistic about what’s possible. Right now one of those possibilities is with movies, but it is not the only way we can improve our online experience. What are we capable of when we begin to integrate the other things that exist online?

Okay, so when I said I’d be posting daily, what I really meant was that I’ll be posting during the moments when I’m not out of the house or watching Battlestar Galactica. I’m about halfway through season 3 and plan to finish that in the next couple of days. I’ll be heading to Baltimore for New Year’s Eve and have a few other items that I’ll be taking care of: reading Robert Wright’s Evolution of God, taking some continuing credits towards my Associate of ISC2/CISSP, etc. In the midst of that, I’ll be updating about the past year.

In previous years, I’ve set at most one New Year’s resolution. But even those resolutions were so oversized that I couldn’t reasonably accomplish them. For instance, one year I set a goal to be “more confident”, but what does that mean? I’m pretty sure I’d think about the big goal and try to apply it to different situations but that gets tiresome. To quote Dr. Gaius (because my personal contact currently is through the battlestar), I need the clay to make the bricks (and not the other way around). Those type of overarching changes are only as good as each moment they’re put into question. I eventually gave up on these type of resolutions because they weren’t very useful (and probably because life got in the way).

2008 may have been the best year I’ve been alive. I feel like every year before that I’d looked back at the year and thought about what a waste it was. In retrospect, that was almost certainly my attitude in looking at it, but it was the same attitude that I’d carried throughout the year. 2008 wasn’t different in that a lot of good stuff happened; I just felt more in control of my day to day life, like my life was starting over again.

I had so much good energy coming out of the year that I got really ambitious with my thoughts about 2009… so ambitious that I set between 40 and 50 goals for myself (the number is ambiguous because some of the goals overlap). Somewhere along the line this year, my energy left and I thought that the year was turning into a bust. The strength I’d carried from the beginning of the year had dissipated from some torn up relationships and from getting burnt out at work (I can’t help but think that these two items reinforced each other). But here I am at the end of it, meeting most of the 40 of 50 goals I’d set for myself and I can’t help but be content that my work this year has paid off in some small but tangible ways.

I think one of the reasons that I had so much ambition coming into this year was that I didn’t know what I wanted to do, especially from a musical standpoint. When I left college, I was finishing an album and wrapped up my affiliation with a small, JMU-associated record label (80 One Records). Throughout 2007, I wrote 52 songs but ran out of steam. I took 2008 off to recharge, but decided to pick back up in 2009 and write two batches of songs (I write by semester). The spring batch ended up being 15 songs and the fall batch is 12 songs, so 27 total for the year which is what I’d set out to do. I feel like I’ve developed a consistent voice in my writing, but I’m still unsure about how to voice them (with musicians and/or instruments).

At the beginning of the year, an old friend from church sent me a message and asked if I wanted to help out with a CD that a group of his named Rev 5 were working on. Christian rock isn’t really my bag, but I was happy to help out the people in the group (and happy to play music, even if it  was outside of my comfort zone). I played guitar (and a little bass), but things never really came together and the group disbanded after a couple of months. Last I heard they were going to try to serve as a worship band for the church I grew up in, but I decided I didn’t really want to take part because (among other reasons) I’d feel weird doing instrumental worship in an a capella institution (as the Church of Christ is set up to be). Not for religious reasons, just because it (or I) felt out of place.

The next opportunity came about a month or two into my work with Rev 5. I’d been interested in joining the Washington Redskins Marching Band for a couple of years, so I contacted a JMU friend who was a member (Eric Petit) to see if he could offer a contact for auditioning. He’s off in Texas now, but he set me up with the head of the band who told me that they didn’t need any more Tuba players (though they did need trombones). So, I got in touch with my first high school band director and got a loaner trombone to re-learn the instrument. Rehearsals started in April, I tried out in May (maybe June) and found out I made the band about a month or so after I’d auditioned. It’s definitely different than the past marching bands I’ve been in, in that there’s a strong musical influence from HBCU bands, but it’s another opportunity to play music and be with musicians. In short, the Skins band is another opportunity to play music outside of what I’ve had experience with, so I feel like I’m growing from that perspective.

I ended up going to five weddings this year, three of which I was asked to play music for (other two being the Pittsburgh wedding of Ben Silber & his wife Kelly and the blizzard wedding of Matt & Suzanne). For Phil & Leonore, I played their first dance (the Rainbow Connection); for Kenny & Jessica, the ceremony music; and for Mike & Misha, a couple of first dances (I Want to Grow Old With You from the Wedding Singer for the bride & groom; In My Life for Mike & Mom; plus the Electric Slide for good measure).

At Mike & Misha’s wedding, I met one of the groom’s high school friends (Adam). We started talking music during the reception and he invited me to come play with his cover band (True Currency). It’s more or less a jammy 90s pop rock band, which isn’t totally in my wheelhouse either (but not as far out as the other two bands). For that group I sing and play guitar/synthesizer (bought a Moog Little Phatty). We played a show in Alexandria in August and have another gig set up for January 16 (same day as the Governor’s Parade, which I’ll be marching in with the Skins band). It’s more of a traditional rock band than the other two groups, but one that had been established before I entered.

So, I can look at those past three or four paragraphs and I can read that I’ve been really busy musically, which has been a step in the right direction. But with each of these groups, I don’t feel like any of them are mine. I’ve been growing a lot by playing instruments and genres that are outside of my experience, but I’m ready to make the next step; and that next step is starting to get clearer. I’ve got a backlog of songs I’ve written (79 from 2007 and 2009) and I need to get set up to play them. I need to get engaged in the local DC scene; find musicians to play with, craft a sound of my songs and start regularly performing. If I hadn’t worked so hard this year with all of the other bands (two of which are still going on), I wouldn’t know what I wanted to do next. And I’m sure that in time that desire will change as well; but for now, I need to take the energy that’s come out of this year’s music and look forward. Can’t help but be grateful, but I want more.

I’ve written in a number of blogs over the past decade. I started in September 2001 and wrote consistently for a year or two, until I got either bored or busy (the fog’s too deep at this point to remember). For the time that I did write, it was more of an emotional outlet than a way to engage others. Seeing as my decision to write at the time had been driven by my emotions, it became a lonely place. I started getting anonymous comments from friends to “shit or get off the pot”, so I took the opportunity to do something more constructive with my time.

All this is to say that this blog is not meant primarily as an emotional outlet. I started out with a different blog title and theme, but couldn’t pin down something that I found interesting or attractive. So I started thinking about movies (specifically images that have grabbed me) and happened onto Modern Times. I don’t believe that there are post-modern times or moments; it will always be modern times. Modernity is just a collection of moments, ever changing and progressing.

In that way, I’m interested in having a place where I can capture and engage these moments; not as an outlet, but as an act of reconciliation. I’m interested in seeing how moments are related to each other and what they are building. Moments can intersect, overlap, and exist in isolation; but where I can discover their connections I’ll do my best to understand them. My hope in the process is best captured by a quote from the movie Junebug: “God loves you just the way you are. But He loves you too much to let you stay that way.” Writing that last sentence made me feel like Mary Catherine Gallagher expressing the inspiration she receives from Lifetime movies, so I’ll do my best not to be so cussing stuffy on this site.

For the next week, I’ll be posting daily about the past year; where my life has been, what has driven me. I entered the year happy and wandering and left it optimistic with a better sense of purpose. I make no promise to update this often, nor do I even promise to keep this theme together. But as long as these ideas seem enticing, I’ll try to chase them.